im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
