I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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