I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
