I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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