My sheets look like a crime scene.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
