Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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