u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
