Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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