last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
