i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
