I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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