I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
