My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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