Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Welp...herpes.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
