I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
