dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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