when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
