I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
