Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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