Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
