and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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