I will die if light touches me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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