I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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