Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
