Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
