Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You smell like stripper and shame
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
