i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
