I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is my gift to your gina
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
