Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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