You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we made out on top of his cat.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
