Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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