why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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