I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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