Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
