I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
