Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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