i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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