it hurts more in the daytime
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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