i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Can I color on your dick again?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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