I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
