I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
