i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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