she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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