I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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