Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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