Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
