I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
