Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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