dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
