I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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