I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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