There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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