i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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