Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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