i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
two words...techno handjob
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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