I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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