You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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