Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
